damn.

I didn't know that I'm a born actor!

2010-12-10T03:52:00.005+08:00

I didn't know that I'm a born actor. I can actually get used and still holding onto the role. I am the drama king, I'm a born actor. I'm so good in portraying what people want to see from me; A boyfriend, a good friend, a listener, a smart alex, a drama king, an asshole, a lala fuck, a cinapek, a villain, and most importantly, a good person that says "I'm too good-hearted, come and use me! I can be your nigga, your bruda, your sista, your princess, your driver" In fact I love giving out invitations to people to use me. I even go as far as crossing genders just to please people. I think my purpose in life is to please people.

I am so useful, I can be in any role and portray it how people want it to be. Maybe because I'm so good in acting, now I'm suffering a locus of identity, lack of self consciousness and self-esteem. Who am I really? I don't know.

I became so technical, a functional robot that you can programme almost anything on me.

"pick u up? no problem! teman lepak? no problem! belanja you? no problem!"

There's no room for me to lay my name down as an individual, its all about building steps to fulfill people's needs, painting colours into other people's picture.

The great kanye west said: "Get use to getting used. And if you cant be used, then you're useless." well said, the Almighty Kanye.

overlove

2010-10-06T05:35:00.005+08:00

I bet that you felt obligated to reply me when I texted or tweeted you. It was clearly shown when your reply seemed half-hearted. Texting or tweeting you is the only way for me to show my concerns for you. You don't have to reply if you don't want to..

I didn't want to disturb you, just that I can't live thru the day without seeing your text or tweets..I'm a fragile soul and I admitted it.

Remember our promise about being open and truthful to each other? Since that day where I thought you've started avoiding me, our relationship went somewhat deteriorated. I admitted I hide my dissatisfaction and my ever fonding feelings towards you; and you started avoiding me in some way, at least the way I see it.

But what can I do about it? I'm clear about my position in this relationship, so much so, that I tend to blur the lines to confuse myself from the ever cruel fact about us.

Maybe today I will start to be myself, to be the man in the mirror again..leaving this world of despo fantasy. Thank you so much for the memories :')

tears of joy...

Damn.

2010-07-30T04:56:00.003+08:00

Money can change everything..

I just need some closure,
I'm in it till everything is over;

and it's far from Ova!

Anyway check this out will ya
http://doesnt-matter-to-you.blogspot.com/2008/12/well-well-well.html

Deep down into the sea of sorrow

2009-12-27T05:12:00.006+08:00

DOUBTS DOUBTS DOUBTS..

You had broken your promise..

Why?
The certainty in my mind towards near future has now gone..the image in my mind has faded and crushed into pieces, absorbed by the black hole in the nature of gravity. I was heartbroken when this occurred, even thou I had expected this. YET I trusted you and your innocence..You were indeed very complicated, like what my best friend said.

The other promise you made is not valid to me anymore, seriously. BUT yet I will fulfill my promise and try my best to make it memorable to you.

Please don't ever promise what you can't fulfill or wish not to.
I am one fragile soul, I can't take these kind of pain...

The thoughts in my mind are far beyond comprehension

2009-12-24T16:23:00.002+08:00

Well. It's been a while since i lay down my thoughts in this spiderweb filled site, I'm sorry for being irresponsible for that :D Anyway, it's been a fast paced-year, even faster than last year i felt; maybe because I was already working since July to get debts off my ass. Well the struggle of loneliness is still here till today, but I think i should be able to get away from it.

Have you ever thought, that a breakup in an couple relationship is not totally a bad-idea? You might think I've been very cruel to come to this point, or even thinking of benefiting in some way through someone's breakup. It's the man code that runs in our rational(well maybe girls won't understand this). I have a friend, well both are my friends, just that i knew the guy first. After they broke up, my girl-friend(kawan perempuan) came and look for me to seek for comfort, and to share her sorrow. It's always my pleasure being a listener; but as i gotten into her world, magic happens :) You know what I mean. NO I DON'T LIKE HER but hell yeah she's the one if i were to be with her, as her personality and mentality is almost the same as mine, even the childhood experiences and our interests. Totally amazed by the similarities and how compatible we are.

BUT AS I SAID THE MAN CODE RUNS IN OUR BLOOD, it is ethically wrong to grab your best friend(the guy)'s ex, it sort of like taking away his happiness or duplicating his way of happiness or something, it just the wrong thing to do.

will be continued :D time to relax first, yum cha time!

2009-04-29T08:36:00.003+08:00

Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?
What's wrong with me?
Am I that pathetic till no girls will notice me?

well, I'm not handsome, I'm poor, I'm boring, I'm dull, or whatever.
I am a pathetic person.

Fuck everything rest of your life !
Useless fucker.

I mean; go fuck myself.

2009-01-23T03:20:00.002+08:00

I don't know what else to say.
I still don't have the guts to say i still love you after all these years.
I'm sorry for letting you down for that promise.
I'll swear i won't do it again.

But i think it's too late already.

=/

Hope you'll find a better guy =)

Well well well...

2008-12-22T02:45:00.006+08:00

December 22, 2008
That was hell of a time since the last time i wrote my rants, but doesn't mean that i had peaceful days these few months. Of course there will be times of bad and good, and unfortunately i had to say to myself that i had a overwhelming events that i wish i wouldn't have to experience. No love movements these months, exclude with a lil flirtatious experience with few wonderful individuals. =)

To my dear friends who knew the big secret of mine,
Really appreciate of you guys comforting me despite the facts presented to you guys.
except for one who don't give a fuck and go on fuck my life with the facts; seriously regretted sharing it with you. To others, Jimuiz or niggaz for live man !

To you my dearest jimui,
After the car accident, i seriously felt our friendship fell apart. I really miss the times where we share our time hanging out and sharing our hard time stories, well those were the days. It's was a little of procastination, with a little of college works and the job in U mobile that stands in the way of joining you and the rest of the bunch. I was upset for not having the time to spend time together working things out, as you can strongly notice sometimes i've gone back home earlier than anyone else after meet ups. Maybe it's destine or what we call (lack of) " yuan fen " that disallowed me to share my time with you guys. Maybe it's my problem of not having a good time management plan for myself. I don't know man, but i am my best to work out something to catch up. As for now, i shall keep the feeling of loneliness and being left aside to myself; i know i am the cause of all this.

And to you who advised me on my life,
Maybe your right, i am one fragile soul.

But i will hang on tough enough,
Not to worry. =)

July 30, 2010
It was hell of a time since the last time I wrote my shit, and I been through lots of ups and downs that sometimes I wish that I could avoid; it's been overwhelming and exhausted at the same time. No love excitement for me(as usual), just some flirtatious moments with few wonderful individuals :D

To my dear friends who knew the big secret of mine,
Really appreciate of you guys comforting me despite of the ugly truth being revealed; except for YOU! Yeah, if you know I'm talking about you, I don't give a shit anymore, I'm moving on, and so should you.

To you my dearest jimui,
After the car accident, our friendship fell apart; like a car being driven off the cliff. I really miss the times where we used to hang out, share our dirty little secrets, or even pick the clothes for your clubbing sessions. I really miss those days, I really do. It's too late to say I miss us, yet I'm not ready to tell myself its over between us.

It's was a lil bit of laziness, stacks of college obligations, and the job in U mobile refrained me from joining you guys. I was selfish for not staying back to help out, being the first one to leave after meet-ups and stuff. I came up with bullshit excuses like having lack of yuan fen(jodoh) as answers to all that. Maybe I not wise enough to plan my schedule, or it was just plain procrastination. As for the solution, I will try my best to patch things up and put me right back to where I was. As for now, I shall keep the feeling of loneliness and isolation to myself, oh well.

And to you who advised me on my life,
Maybe you're right that I'm one fragile soul.
But I will hang on as tough as I can.

Fuck! Was my English that bad back then? o.0

Aih..

2008-08-19T00:23:00.000+08:00

I saw that picture.

Heartache heartache...
speechless right now.

2008-08-19T00:16:00.002+08:00

Nothing really progressing right now..
a degrade in every aspect was really frustrating.
Why would i congratulate and even motivate the person i truly in love with to be with another guy?
Not to say I'm going after her,
but my heart pounded every time she mention about him.

Why would I waste time on this kind of shit?
I been doing this for years!

Yeah man, fuck this shit !

2008-07-24T02:00:00.003+08:00

Life now is kinda like adrenaline,
Pain and joy is rushing through my life.

Managed to let go her,
finally accepted her as a normal friend..
No more relying on her,
no more buzzing with her 24/7,
no more wondering about her all night long.

But there was times where we gone through special moments..
The feeling is back.

damn.

2008-06-27T00:39:00.005+08:00

Winter has gone..
Now comes spring~

Things gone smoother when time passes.
Time really heals..
At least it worked for me sometimes..haha
Thank you L, you really brighten up my day..or days ;)

The exit i saw earlier has gone blur..
I've sense a change in the direction..
better one i hope..
Just wanna say sorry if i did or say anything wrong to you in the past.
I'm still here to appreciate our friendship..
I never stop trying to aid you in your difficulties from the start.
I'll be there anytime when you need me.
I'm might be immature in handling situations sometimes..
Decision were made with the flow of feelings..
Time passes,
i could judge the matter rationally now.

There's always sunshine after heavy storms.
=)

damn those heart players.

2008-06-21T00:30:00.006+08:00

Boo.

I got a mixed feeling about this.
It's you again..
The cold attitude again?
Maybe i'm sensitive.
Maybe i'm the one who's too boring to talk to.
Maybe i'm not suitable for you to share your thoughts..
Maybe i'm not a good listener...
Maybe i'm annoying..
Lots of maybe to wonder about.

I guess our fun time together is over..
Ice age begins between us..
I can see the exit of our friendship in near distance..
Anyone please direct me to turn this drought around.
Aih.

damn.

You and you.

2008-06-18T01:30:00.001+08:00

Hate the way you talked to me.
What happen to the love and care we used to have in the past?
Won't you even reminisce our sweet memories?
Sigh.

Your assumptions and comments really hurt me deep in the heart..
Do you have to do that all the time?
I wish i could ignore it..
but i couldn't hold myself longer..
Ahh fuck it.

Things have changed. So were you..
Perhaps im the fool for the past few years.
I thought we were best friends..
Nevermind.

I gave up in this struggle..
I guess im not suitable to join you guys..
It's really just the name upon the relationship..
Sounds nice,
but it's useless when it is meaningless.

Damn.