Best Year Thus Far

Yet another year has passed. 2019 was a great year, full of new experiences, with all palates of emotions. From Argentina to Australia, meeting new connections in China, meeting with the Sultan of Brunei, this is the craziest in my life thus far.

Life is pretty much about work. Enjoying the perks and challenges of the job, opportunity to meet so many people. Unhealthy competition with Norman. Feeling fatigued from the job, not able to handle without constant motivation. Still enjoying the status of the job.

First experience in managing a house. Still not yet fully embrace the concept of living independently and left the house empty for a while. It is still like an after work chill place and nothing more.

I am still pretty clumsy, simple-minded and lack of hobby. More crucially, lack of aim and direction. Tried golf but lagged due to work and time. Time passed by without much productivity outside work. Even when it comes to work, I gave my 100% but there was that. I could have done 1000% but I didn't.

Another episode of love obsession happened this year, met another Samantha. This time she consumed my mind for 5 months, and distracted me from everything else in my life. Lying on the floor below the office desk and avoiding crowds, I lost all motivation and energy to carry on the daily routine. Emotions trumped logic. This was also happened to be the first time where I was poisoned to be trapped in the feelings.

The first order of business is to strengthen the skillsets in order to consolidate future prospects. That means better photo and video, ability to write press statements, ability to plan, lead and implement strategies and to show for.

Get masters. Psychology seems to be the main contender. The previous thinking was about climate change, economics or even international affairs.

Some of the things I have not done in 2019. Get body health check, read more and get into shape. As I end my journey in my 20s, it is time to remember the memories, be grateful in the present, and secure a better future for myself.

2018 Summary

I loved Kew. But I hated the life in Pahang. I was just waiting for my days to pass. To get things done and get my money. And May 9 changed everything, changed the country and my fortune in the process.

I couldn't forget the first day of the job. Walking into the Ministry, walking thru the process, talking to some of the future colleagues for the first time, and a new life was born. In July, I did a back and forth between Putrajaya and Temerloh. It was a magically moment for me. 

I was really happy when i first got the job. This marks a momentous and surreal journey, not only I am well paid and got the dream job, its the life working for a politician and being in the political action, something which I thought I can only dream of. And yet it all played out well. Thou, sometimes I feel stressed and pressured, and anxious about job security and looking out for myself.

Everything was going great, and its a beginning of a better future. Then I met Samantha, and the whole cycle comes back again. A sweet, genuine, simple and religious girl who rejected me for her religious beliefs. I don't know whether that is the reason or just an excuse to disconnect with me. The feeling of pain, sorrow, bitterness, disappointed, cynical all came back from the moment I saw her message. I got to work on the next sayy feeling paralyzed and hurt, crawling on the floor in my own office hiding from public view, sobbing and grieve though what just happened. In the end, its just another disappointment in my search for the one. Am I not deserved to have a girlfriend, a companion? Is it because God thinks that I still don't deserve it?

I need to have an independent mind. To think of what I really want in life. The truth is, I just want romance and love for now. Everything was supposed to go great. And what happened to my hopes and dreams? My career and how my future would look like? Am I in charged of my own life?

Since the many incidents throughout the years, I have basically submitted myself to the Higher Up to decide and lost my own feelings for anything, having my own opinion. All I can do is pray and be my best. Not chasing, not yearning, not learning.

I also realised more clearly about my attitudes, behaviour; desires and habits, . Its still persists even today, I still resposned erratically sometimes, to my parents and even the people I work with. I need a more solid gameplan to survive this. I need a source for motivation.

Green is still part of my life. One reason why im still sane and irratic at the same time. Is it time for me to let go and start solid? Perhaps not yet. I'm still mourning the pain. I still tell myself that now I'm lonely I want to smoke. No way

As my career reached my heights with boasted income, I'm unsure of where to go, what to do, where to start.

I feel like things can be taken from me anytime.

Da mao went off for good. Surprised that I was less sad than expected. Maybe Samantha helped soothed the feeling.

I realised I didn’t write anything in 2017, so here it is. 

I left GMM with new hopes and dreams, and wondering what lies ahead in the new job. Alex treated me good, and Tony also being good to me. The times I spent in Temerloh, quite some portion spending it with the brothers and Kew.

The job was interested at first. But I’m not used to the environment, and still in my weird character, smoking and what not. I was counting stock, and soon creeped into being on cloud nine, and always in sleepy mode because I smoked and slept late the day before as always. I did some contribution, but doing stock count, shipping, manning a small responsibility, and keep track of the factory. It was a valuable experience.

The job was a wake up call and a lesson for me. I was fortunate enough for me to fail on the job and still retain the job, and constant schooling from the bosses. Until the end, I was able to grow abit, became more discipline, and more organised. I became more steady but also more lazy and unmotivated at the same time. Tony said I wasted 6 months being dormant in SSP. At the same time, the company wasn’t doing well. Problems and problems, either internal or external, still struggling despite plans and hopes from Tony. I remembered that I was constantly looking for a way out, not really any attention to the company.

This is also the year where I met kew, and fell in love with her. Among the three potential girls in the office, I had attraction towards her. I remember when Alex first arranged for me to go down to Putrajaya with her, and I gave a negative response. We had good times together, and being very sweet to each other. But the relationship is also sometimes marred by my anger and misbehaviour. And the occasional clashes with her on work matters. For months into relationship, she decided to break up with me, but remain cordial.

Procrastination also prevent me from completing any side projects, including the thesis and planning other alternative plans. I developed and got comfortable of being isolated and alone, stoned and lazy in my own comfort, watching youtubes, videos and spending time wandering the internet. In those times, I have missed the opportunity to learn more, to improve.

I was reminded that critical thinking must be used and applied, and responsibility. Learning from kew, I gained reflection of how an ugly person I was, and still not perfect. I realised my anger is getting worse and affecting the people around me, towards kew also can’t manage properly. I was immature.

Overall, 2017 was a memorable and lucky year despite me being in low form and disengaged with the real world.

Writing this in 2019 also gives me a good reflection and not take for granted of the experiences, lessons, and ties built during those times in Temerloh. Even now in 2019, I still unmotivated, still struggle to connect with people, and getting further apart with Kew. In 2019, I’m still in contact with Kew, uncertain whether we still have a future together, or whether that is the right path. Deep in my heart, I want it to happen.

Fuck 2016 the Movie

2016 served as a year of lessons and rollercoaster ride of emotions. Dramatic events, regrets, surprises, and even deception dominates the year. I’ve learned to face it all with significant emotional cost, the anger and frustration.

Chinese new year witnessed ugly fights on the first day and the second day. I said things which exposed what I think and probably frightened them. Realising what a monster I was later, I started to change my approach, take care of them, try to talk to them and be around them, even till today I think I didn’t do enough. I must continue to improve this. 

Family was in vulnerable situation as divorce seems looming. Thank God things took a good turn as parents reconciliated in the end. It is not perfect, but at least we are all at peace again. I will have to work on my attitude towards my father.

I have not 1, not 2 but 3 accidents in a single month. It was in June. The first one was with Jun Yang and Nam Hon, it was a minor one. Then came the second one week later. Then another one while on the way to work few days later. I was devastated then, believing in shitty luck stayed with me. Since then I’m thinking of buying a new car, and went checked out HRV, realised its really expensive.

I was looking for a job since January. I have interview at ICLIF and almost got the job. Then I interviewed at Asia Awards but bumped into Illyas, got offered the job but didn’t take it. Then I applied at CIMB, went interview, went for coffee with a young director but still didn’t get it in the end. Till July, I attended a family wedding dinner and told Alex I wanted a job. And few days later, he came with a job opportunity. I’ve joined them at a plywood company, but the thing is I would have to stay there and change my lifestyle completely, and I didn’t really like the job. But weighing the pros and cons, at least I have a more secured future, good opportunity for innovation, and more money of course. This is going to change my life.

Appshack, Flock, Quickfix. Disappointing experiences but I also came to realise that I’m the problem, I have pursue it wholeheartedly, have not done enough research, lazy in general. I can’t do anything much. The only choice I have to plan and work on Quickfix with Jethro in the end of the day.

Han Yi reached out again during May. We went out a few times, and can’t help it to float the idea of reconciliation. Till August, she came and take stuff and revealed that she is attached. I cut ties then and never call back.

Then came Clarisse, who would dominate my life for the last 4 months. Things were great at first, memories during Louis’ wedding. Since then, things have been in declined and her affection is gone. Realised that she is playing around because she couldn’t decide, and I’m probably not good enough for her to commit. We have planned for a trip together, but right now it is in question. I’m at the point of thinking whether to kill it or remain open, even though I have been hurt. Many have advised me to quit and dump, but my heart wouldn't allow me and she is still making contact. Do I really have to let it go? It seems more real by the day. I must prepare for this emotionally. Hopefully I'll get to go to the trip.

As a result, today I reached out to Wee Leng. I was looking for a second chance, perhaps she is actually the one. We went out and turns out she has already belonged to someone else. Yet she is still caring and willing to connect. While disappointed I really hope she is happy and find what she wants. She is really something. 

After all that, I’m back to square one.

I went to Hong Kong, Shenzhen, Laos 3 three times. It was some good experience and definitely make me felt better.  

The takeaways from this year, is that shit happens and I have to learn not only how to react to it properly, while also take the situation as it is and deal with it. Live by the day, and believe that God would not burden me with things that I can't handle. Sometimes I doubt that but I will try to continue to believe it.

Reading back the past entries, I think there is still something I didn’t change, which contributes to sadness over and over again. I wasn’t mentally strong and still not strong enough now. I have realised that I have became much more cynical, sobering, and low self esteem. But I've also become much more wiser and calmer. I still get depressed but not as bad as before. 

This is somewhat a wake up call. I need to be strong, to be more hardworking and take my life seriously. I have not done so. 

What a year it has been.

Relapsed

It feels good to be alive again. Time did heal by leaving the unwanted and unnecessary behind. Silver lining out of the whole drama is that now I really understood the meaning of life and grasping what am I here for in this world. The Russia trip changed me for good, it made me reveal my true self, the competent brain and real face of me. I loved Tokyo and saw Seoul for myself, both places I thought I would never go until like at least in my 30s. This trip changed how I think about things and about life. It made me realised my calling that maybe I was meant to thrive in this sort of work, given the opportunity landed without me really doing it. This was an awesome experience!

The Lombok trip also helped me reaffirm some of the things I thought about the group, and in the process learned how to deal with relationships, and to accommodate different , and sometimes difficult types of people. And it made me realised better of what I like and what I hate.

Instead of feeling soppy and shit, I feel bad for ending ties with Han Yi for good. Her got the last message that probably stayed in her mind for a few moments, making her hating me forever and ending all possibilities once and for all. I regretted it at first, but as time passes I think this move was somewhat maybe instinctively driven, something that my heart won’t allow me to do.  Well, its also my lost for losing such a good hearted and fun person, and along with the bond since years ago. This is adulthood I guess.

I’m happy to be back here reporting to myself that I’m back and well alive. Although life is really tough ahead, I probably more prepared now than ever and will give another chance in life, to fight to win and to see and appreciate the world as I live by the ages. I’m grateful for where I am now. Yes shit happens, and sometimes I might slip back to the depressed past and infringe upon myself with pain as so to enjoy it and be lazy.

Its painful to think back of 2014 and any song, memory, and place related to 2014 especially with the girl. So reading the previous posts were equally scary and frightening. This shit shall NOT happen again ever in my life. Back to square one.

Now I learned to accept life and fight for my own instead of believing in fixed destiny and sit down do nothing. I shall do better than people expected me to be and I will thrive with my own bullshit. I need to use my brain to keep shit at bay, camouflage it and find a way to outsmart people, even when I’m the only dumb fool in the room. 

At The Crossroad

This blog gives me a chance to take a trip down memory lane whenever I want to remember it.

Life has been improving, mood has been better, and life quality is getting more pleasant. My career has took a downturn when I got a warning letter from the management, citing on my lateness, absenteeism, and procrastination which resulted from my depression and heavy smoking habit, thou Mel played a big factor in my isolation in office. Things went back to normal when Mel got offered a new job and left. And it has been good experience having cool events and being in the limelight of working for the big man in putrajaya. Still, I have wanted to quit and find opportunities in my app business. It is a difficult endeavor and I’m still clueless of what I should do next. Work is probably my only source of pride, something underserving ones.

Went to see a feng shui master, recommended by Danial. The man, called lai sifu predicted that I have one fuck up year in every 8 years, the closest one in 2018. He said this year is a turning point and I would see major changes in life, whether it is good or bad it is unknown. And he says this year are not so good and I only have chance in love after the 5^th month, and I would have bad luck in some of the months, notably 4^th, 5^th, 10^th, and 12^th month I think. Today is probably only the first week into the 4^th month and I’m already suffered in several ways. I’m worried about my future and the worst part is I don’t feel motivated to ‘fix things’, rather accepting the ‘facts’ presented. What Should I do?

Carpet Meow was sick and it was my fault that she died in the end, I should have brought her to the clinic sooner. But the memories of her quickly faded, and everyone in the family just move on. I feel guilty of not loving her and play with her enough. But nothing comes back from the death and so are past memories.  I miss her every now and then.

Every now and then I still think of Felicia, actually I still think about her everyday since April 1^st 2014. It is difficult to forget when she plays such a role in my head, my imaginary talking companion in my head. Its kinda like SIRI. I’m convinced that I would not have another opportunity like this and would not be in an ideal relationship, and no one would like me or even take a glance at me. Even as the feng shui masters and the bomohs ‘predicted’ that I would be married and have kids, at least a son, and according to Adam, perhaps another few children. But talking my current situation into account, it is impossible for me to court any girl who I wanted. I hate to be alone yet destined to be lonely at almost all times. How am I supposed to live happily by my own while I watch everyone around me having their own partners , attention, and love? Right now, the closest ‘love’ I can feel are from my parents. Those are different kind of love, and I want intimacy. Sadly, the only way I can feel it is when I think of the memories I had with Felicia, that’s hurting in the process but subconsciously enjoying the process, because it was nice, and it was happiness. Horoscope predicted suggested that I might have hope, but do I really want to get back with her? Sure, but I also can’t forgive the things she did to me, how insignificant I am to her. So why should I treat her nicely?  I hate her for being her and I hate her for treating me this way. Fuck you man

When can I forget about all those shit and move forward? I don’t know, and my drive to live for the future is diminishing day after day, week after week, year after year. Am I born to be a mediocre man with simple life, or am I here for greatness and happiness? I don’t really care about doing the flock project, but rather craving for love and sex every minute of the day. I feel sick and tired of thinking about all this and I wish I could just end my life right there and then. But I couldn’t.

The good things that came out throughout this excruciating experience is that life is temporary, truth is subjective, and time is a one-way traffic and no turning back on anything in the past. What I can do now is to appreciate and look after my parents, and to fulfill my responsibilities till the day I meet my maker once again. And God is probably punishing me for something I’ve done. So I’ll just accept the way the things are and try to make the best out of it

.

Sounds depressing? Not at all. Maybe on the Felicia part, but other than that I’m too numb to feel anything, let alone fear or excitement.    

At least let me live peacefully, and die naturally. 

AUGUST 29 This is what I've become

Living this life is pathetic.

I’m home for a Friday night. No plans. I’m just sit back and watch breaking bad for the second time. It’s the holiday weekend, Merdeka is on the Sunday, hence holiday on Monday. There’s three days of emptiness for me. Everyone is having fun, having one another. Everyone forgets me, I mean who wouldn’t right?

But perhaps I deserved it. Maybe God is punishing me, I don’t know?

I’ve pinned my lack of activities and emptiness to Han Yi who left me. I used to have fun all the time. But thinking back, maybe this is normal, maybe this is something that persistent since last time. I remember having Friday nights alone for a moment. I remember bringing my laptop out, smoke a J and sit down at the mamak trying to write something about my business and be useful.

I’m trying to appreciate the small things, and be grateful for the things I have now. I might be lonely, but I’m healthly, I have a sane brain, and I still have some sort of life luxury that millions doesn’t have. I should be grateful for being alive in the first place.

But you know what? I would trade everything I have now, even my intelligence, for a some sort of happiness, a companion, or someone to care for. For love and happiness that I think I deserved. I rather being stupid and happy rather than being so smart but so lonely. What’s the point for having a brain, a soul but nothing to think about, no love to give?

Life is unfair. It gives joy to those who doesn’t deserve it, it gives happiness to people who have all the fun and love in the world, while some like me left in the dark, crawling and scouting for what’s left behind.  Maybe I don’t deserve to have people to love and care for me. Maybe I should do something about it and go make myself useful, I don’t know…maybe charity?

What am I gonna do for the next three days?

Maybe I had bad karma, maybe I treat others badly, maybe I still have debts of sins to pay. I don’t know. But I need to accept this fact and live with it. This is the life I’m having. Forget all the things I’ve imagined. I’ll just give in and submit myself to the creator of this Universe. My path is set, my destiny is predetermined. I’m just a tool for others maybe.

I don’t deserve anyone.

Growing old sucks,

I’m gonna celebrate my 25^th birthday alone. Every year I have parties so I get to see my friends and not be lonely. But its just a façade. You know, I think I’m gonna die alone. I’m gonna go thru this life me and myself only. Gonna pass minute by minute, year by year. Everything is a cycle, and soon the people are gonna leave one by one.  As time goes by, I’ll just appreciate whatever’s with me, as they gonna leave me one by one sooner or later. For whatever time I have left, I hope to enjoy the smallest things and be grateful for breathing air, able to move around, and perhaps do some good before its my turn to leave this place. We’re all passers by of this place called earth.

Hope God gives me a swiftly one.

Trials and tribulations for shit

Every time when I revisit this blog, is when I had something significant happened in my life, and it's usually bad things and misfortunes. 

Even as the year 2014 has not even reach its end, yet it has already been a fucked up year for me. It has been a roller coaster ride. I started the year with joy and happiness, thinking that life was on the right track and everything was going fine. I thought I was on the pinnacle of life when I rekindled with the dream girl I've always wanted. I got promoted to a position none at my age was able to achieve. I have plenty of business and project opportunities, I was poised to be someone big. Life was good.

Since May, as if as God is punishing me and decided to take away things from me one by one, hoping that I would learn some lessons from it. Soon one by one, bad luck stucked and I continued indulging in things I shouldn't have. I got into accident twice, I lost the her over silly mistakes, and I lost almost all my business prospects. I havent been compensated well for my job, still earning the same pay since start of the year, didnt even sign a new contract. Friends have their own life now, with their own partners to love and care about. I'm home alone at night, I hang out with random people on weekends, and all I ever thinking was how to be friends with her again, stalking her from time to time even though im resisting hard, and most of all what to do with life after this. By July, I've lost almost everything I hold dear previously. I was at the wrong side of life. My dreams has shattered. My future is unknown.

Im losing life direction day by day. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I have no mood to go to work. I have nothing to say when I'm hanging out with friends except of the same old sad stories. I rather sleep then stay awake.

It came to a point where, if I were suddenly didn't wake up tomorrow, or if my heart stops beating, that sounded okay to me. That thought is really foolish, but I wouldn't mind at all. How sad can it be? Who would actually show up in my funeral?

What's the point of chasing for a desirable life if I couldn't get it? Why do i try when God has already set a path for me, and maybe the one I least prefer? Maybe because I don't deserve what I want?

I feel like life is not about me, but about others. There was never about me. I've helped my partners sharpened their skills, guided friends thru their difficulties, love girls in my life thru their hardship, and countless of help to people in need. And when it comes to my turn for some love and care, it always turn into disappointment. I don't get what I want. Nothing is fair in this life and sometimes how you view things are not that accurate after all. People are chosen to do the things they should do, and in my case, perhaps I'm here to help and complement journeys of others.

Never mind about finding my own path. When I put my feelings and perspective to things I love and want, it always leads to nothing but more sadness and destruction. No matter I put my heart into my passionate projects, or loving someone unconditionally, it always leads to disappointment and dissolution in the worst possible way. Perhaps there's no me but only others in this world. 

Maybe this journey is meant to be a spiritual awakening for me. I've stop some of the bad habits that I've been indulging for quite some time. My soul has been tamed, I'm less temperamental and couldn't remember the last time I was angry at someone else. And I'm less arrogant now, never mind of the lack of confidence.

All I feel was loneliness and disappointment.

I see things in a different light now. I've lost my confidence. I've lost enthusiasm in life. I used to be ambitious, holding on to the believe that I'm the chosen one, that destiny is in my hands and I could do anything to conquer the world and bring good as how I see it. I used to be snobbish, hot tempered, and inpatient (maybe still am now) and most of all intolerant towards others. I've been humbled, I've been tamed.

I realised I used the word God many times as the rant goes. I used God's will to justify my sudden change of life. I used to believe in God only when I need to. Now God is the only thing that can make sense of all these. Without God in the picture, I couldn't imagine what the hell is going on. Maybe its a consolation for me, an explanation that Maybe there's a higher divine power that driven me through it and gave me this mess for a reason. Otherwise it just doesn't make sense. Its just doesn't. It the one explanation that keeps me sane. 

Of course I can't put all the blame to God. I take responsibility for what happened as I'm the driver of my own life. I made some the mistakes and destructions with my own hands, and when it wasn't my fault I made things worst.

Maybe my biggest weakness is Love and loneliness. This is not the first time it has happened. I've never been this down before. Not ever since two years ago when similar shit happened to me.

Well, fair enough as I'm smarter than an average person. Maybe that's why God compensate the emptiness and loneliness in me with considerable intelligence he has bestowed me. My intelligence might be a tool of help for others, to help get clearer picture, to see different perspective, and hopefully helping the person to find the best solution. Perhaps this life is not a life, but a lifelong mission to enrich others.

People say live life to the fullest. The hopes and fantasies of 'living life to the fullest' is subjective to one's desire and how they feel towards life. Perhaps the greatest feat in my life is understanding how the world works and using my skills complement and enhance people's lives. Not in a big way but in ways that I couldn't imagine.

All I want now is to avoid pain and suffering, and take every last breath enjoying the moments being on earth and strive for inner peace. After all, we're just passers by on this earth, this life, in the game of life and universe created by God.

I shall take this moment to enjoy the peace and quiet in my mind, in my soul, and my attitude towards life. I see myself as if I'm a soldier of God, I'm a weapon of God. As long as I perform whatever I need to, i'll be blessed with food and water, mobility and shelter, love and companion. I'm prepared to do anything given to me. Once I've done my mission I shall have no regrets of coming to this place called earth. And I shall leave peacefully at the mercy of our creator.

If I ever have a better live in the future than what I've predicted now, I would laugh at this process.

Something that we call the process of life. 

7th august 2014

Today was a hell of a day.

I got my new namecard, which symbolises the new found career advancement that I've achieved; at the same time got into another car accident 3 months after the previous one, kind of awakening of how unwell mentally I am from the devastation of the break up. It hit me hard today.

I have been hit hard by the relationship. 

How did I ended up here? That's a good question.

It was April the first, she comes back Australia and i was suddenly absorbed into a relationship with her with a sense of affinity with increasingly emotional dependency on each other.  I straight fell in love with her and we had one of the best times of my life, well at least. We went to places, endless rounds of driving, and some fair amount if honeymoon period where we were happy yet trying to settle with each other's clashing personalities. Then May came. Things started to go bad when she felt sick, and suddenly felt that she needs her own direction and her own mind in deciding her destiny. That's when we start quarrelling often and relationship pretty much turned into a routine instead. Then June came. My irrational behaviour towards her and her increasingly individual mind gains her mind agenda, things went bad from day to day. Then the Melaka trip came. Everything went wrong and I made the worst mistake I can't imagine. She ended the relationship subsequently and things were never the same again.

Wait, that's not it. I've suffered for two months for a relationship which only lasted for two months. What a waste. I've suffered more pain than usual, and life slowly deteriorates from that. My mind focuses on nothing else but on how to get back to her, even if it just a friend. Along the way I screwed up more and more, ended up being worst than before. The whole thing I discovered turned out to be an April fool from God. I was in a state of denial and keep on dreaming of how to win her heart back but nothing worked. It all became nothing but a bad summer dream.

Today I might have been better maybe because I get to see her in the end. I gave her my new name card, and took a good look at her and reminisce on the good times we had. Had the last J, and told myself as this was probably the last time I'm gonna see her. The next time I see her, it would be in a different phase of life.  

In front of everyone, I'm caught up with a string of bad luck. But deep down inside I know I'm my own instigator and bad fortune was indirectly created by my own hands. After going thru the self created hell for the past two months, I tell myself perhaps, finally it's time to get out of it. That I should go after better things , focus on work and where I should head next. It's been very hard to get up, yet I hope I'll find passion and motivation to do the things I love and find myself again. It's time.

Today might be the motivation for me to move on for good. To leave the bad things behind and be myself once again.

Today was a hell of a day.

2013 in short

This is gonna be one hell of an entry. 

Too depressed to talk about 2013 then. I shall thou remember these unforgettable memories that shaped me who I am today.

- I kept on smoking chronic regularly and I lied constantly on my actual intake,

- Got an article published in magazine,

- Used GMM privileges to organise a grand birthday party which cost 5k

- Gushed onto Kim and into his world of politics,

- Went to Jakarta on the 2nd day CNY for work,

- Fought with Hanyi on cny over love complications, got a free room in MO for valentine but gave it to jaie instead, 

- Daily card ride with jaie and Abu to KL sentral and lepaking,

- Attempted mass-gain intake but failed,

- Went ghost hunting with Adam and the crew and grew some balls,

- Drove up to gerik alone for Ching ming,

- Met MP liew chin tong and a glimpse into domestic politics,

- General election came and my job was secured for another 5 years,

- Went to Pakatan rally and rally 505 despite didn't wanna go in the first place,

- Went to Phuket with lily and had wonderful ending, but didn't make it into a a solid relationship,

- Had crush on a girl named Priscilla but somehow did not pursue it,

- Attempted business venture with Najee and jeeva,

- Saved by mummy Sheila and Adam from misery,

- Saints used to be the favourite hangout spot, brought almost everyone there,

- Graduated college quite awkwardly, syaqs came to rescue,

- Got closed with Kelson and the gang, 

- Paid Azmi his forex returns and haven't talked to him since,

- Planning and Creation of FORT over the past 8 months and fallout with Kim over 2k,

- Replacement of CEO, 

- Creation of creative dynamics with Razlan and Rahman, 

- Finally got a credit card,

- Bought a new phone right after,

- First trip out of South East Asia, went to china for work,

- Redesigned saints into godmother 

- Joined gym and re-attempt at mass-gain

- Salary increment and eventual promotion to assistant director

The memories and SEGi, Datacom and ivy days seemed so far away now. I used to feel the pain inside, I lost interest to live from start to mid year. All I wanted then is to leave this earth quietly and make the suffering stop. 

There's no such thing as coincidence or random or anything like that. The path is set out for you as how you are and it's up to you how you accept, embrace, and make full use of that one opportunity on earth. 

Every time when I revisit this blog site, it means that I have reached another crucial checkpoint of my life. Indeed, I've been thru many ups and downs throughout the whole period. The minute I my current lover decided to break up with me, that's when I realised I've lost my path completely. Most of all, I've learnt an important lesson; you do not plan your life, and you should not have expectations in your life. Because if life doesn't turn out the way you want it to be, there comes great disappointment as well. 

Great expectations does come with great disappointments. 

Summary of 2011

My life in 2011 is a challenging one. My goals and ambitions have been besieged by various obstacle, be it from the evils of capitalism, the ignorance of a girl, and even the ugly truths of self-realisation.

The year started off with a wonderful, yet confusing love life with an unexpected partner. She had been caring, somewhat loving, and generous to me. Although I wasn't interested with her at first glance, her glittering attributes and beauty caught my heart eventually. Unfortunately, her circle of friends had decided to sabotage, or in a way, helping her to get out of this relationship filled with confusion and denial.
For a short window of time, she left her heart unlocked for me to explore, but due to ego, we were to reluctant to make the first move, hence resulted in separation.
She was left alone short after, and things never went back to the way it used to be anymore.

Then I met with the current girl that i'm in love with right now. She is a direct opposite of the previous girl, from ethnicity, economic status, mentality, to lifestyle; It was a spark contrast between the two. Her sweet and honest personality caught my attention in a class of 50 people.

I didn't know that I'm a born actor!

I didn't know that I'm a born actor. I can actually get used and still holding onto the role. I am the drama king, I'm a born actor. I'm so good in portraying what people want to see from me; A boyfriend, a good friend, a listener, a smart alex, a drama king, an asshole, a lala fuck, a cinapek, a villain, and most importantly, a good person that says "I'm too good-hearted, come and use me! I can be your nigga, your bruda, your sista, your princess, your driver" In fact I love giving out invitations to people to use me. I even go as far as crossing genders just to please people. I think my purpose in life is to please people.


I am so useful, I can be in any role and portray it how people want it to be. Maybe because I'm so good in acting, now I'm suffering a locus of identity, lack of self consciousness and self-esteem. Who am I really? I don't know.

I became so technical, a functional robot that you can programme almost anything on me.

"pick u up? no problem! teman lepak? no problem! belanja you? no problem!"


There's no room for me to lay my name down as an individual, its all about building steps to fulfill people's needs, painting colours into other people's picture.

The great kanye west said: "Get use to getting used. And if you cant be used, then you're useless." well said, the Almighty Kanye.

overlove

I bet that you felt obligated to reply me when I texted or tweeted you. It was clearly shown when your reply seemed half-hearted. Texting or tweeting you is the only way for me to show my concerns for you. You don't have to reply if you don't want to..

I didn't want to disturb you, just that I can't live thru the day without seeing your text or tweets..I'm a fragile soul and I admitted it.

Remember our promise about being open and truthful to each other? Since that day where I thought you've started avoiding me, our relationship went somewhat deteriorated. I admitted I hide my dissatisfaction and my ever fonding feelings towards you; and you started avoiding me in some way, at least the way I see it.

But what can I do about it? I'm clear about my position in this relationship, so much so, that I tend to blur the lines to confuse myself from the ever cruel fact about us.

Maybe today I will start to be myself, to be the man in the mirror again..leaving this world of despo fantasy. Thank you so much for the memories :')

tears of joy...

Damn.

Money can change everything..

I just need some closure,
I'm in it till everything is over;

and it's far from Ova!

Anyway check this out will ya
http://doesnt-matter-to-you.blogspot.com/2008/12/well-well-well.html