I didn't know that I'm a born actor!

I didn't know that I'm a born actor. I can actually get used and still holding onto the role. I am the drama king, I'm a born actor. I'm so good in portraying what people want to see from me; A boyfriend, a good friend, a listener, a smart alex, a drama king, an asshole, a lala fuck, a cinapek, a villain, and most importantly, a good person that says "I'm too good-hearted, come and use me! I can be your nigga, your bruda, your sista, your princess, your driver" In fact I love giving out invitations to people to use me. I even go as far as crossing genders just to please people. I think my purpose in life is to please people.


I am so useful, I can be in any role and portray it how people want it to be. Maybe because I'm so good in acting, now I'm suffering a locus of identity, lack of self consciousness and self-esteem. Who am I really? I don't know.

I became so technical, a functional robot that you can programme almost anything on me.

"pick u up? no problem! teman lepak? no problem! belanja you? no problem!"


There's no room for me to lay my name down as an individual, its all about building steps to fulfill people's needs, painting colours into other people's picture.

The great kanye west said: "Get use to getting used. And if you cant be used, then you're useless." well said, the Almighty Kanye.

overlove

I bet that you felt obligated to reply me when I texted or tweeted you. It was clearly shown when your reply seemed half-hearted. Texting or tweeting you is the only way for me to show my concerns for you. You don't have to reply if you don't want to..

I didn't want to disturb you, just that I can't live thru the day without seeing your text or tweets..I'm a fragile soul and I admitted it.

Remember our promise about being open and truthful to each other? Since that day where I thought you've started avoiding me, our relationship went somewhat deteriorated. I admitted I hide my dissatisfaction and my ever fonding feelings towards you; and you started avoiding me in some way, at least the way I see it.

But what can I do about it? I'm clear about my position in this relationship, so much so, that I tend to blur the lines to confuse myself from the ever cruel fact about us.

Maybe today I will start to be myself, to be the man in the mirror again..leaving this world of despo fantasy. Thank you so much for the memories :')

tears of joy...

Damn.

Money can change everything..

I just need some closure,
I'm in it till everything is over;

and it's far from Ova!

Anyway check this out will ya
http://doesnt-matter-to-you.blogspot.com/2008/12/well-well-well.html

Deep down into the sea of sorrow

DOUBTS DOUBTS DOUBTS..

You had broken your promise..

Why?
The certainty in my mind towards near future has now gone..the image in my mind has faded and crushed into pieces, absorbed by the black hole in the nature of gravity. I was heartbroken when this occurred, even thou I had expected this. YET I trusted you and your innocence..You were indeed very complicated, like what my best friend said.

The other promise you made is not valid to me anymore, seriously. BUT yet I will fulfill my promise and try my best to make it memorable to you.

Please don't ever promise what you can't fulfill or wish not to.
I am one fragile soul, I can't take these kind of pain...

The thoughts in my mind are far beyond comprehension

Well. It's been a while since i lay down my thoughts in this spiderweb filled site, I'm sorry for being irresponsible for that :D Anyway, it's been a fast paced-year, even faster than last year i felt; maybe because I was already working since July to get debts off my ass. Well the struggle of loneliness is still here till today, but I think i should be able to get away from it.

Have you ever thought, that a breakup in an couple relationship is not totally a bad-idea? You might think I've been very cruel to come to this point, or even thinking of benefiting in some way through someone's breakup. It's the man code that runs in our rational(well maybe girls won't understand this). I have a friend, well both are my friends, just that i knew the guy first. After they broke up, my girl-friend(kawan perempuan) came and look for me to seek for comfort, and to share her sorrow. It's always my pleasure being a listener; but as i gotten into her world, magic happens :) You know what I mean. NO I DON'T LIKE HER but hell yeah she's the one if i were to be with her, as her personality and mentality is almost the same as mine, even the childhood experiences and our interests. Totally amazed by the similarities and how compatible we are.

BUT AS I SAID THE MAN CODE RUNS IN OUR BLOOD, it is ethically wrong to grab your best friend(the guy)'s ex, it sort of like taking away his happiness or duplicating his way of happiness or something, it just the wrong thing to do.

will be continued :D time to relax first, yum cha time!

Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?
What's wrong with me?
Am I that pathetic till no girls will notice me?

well, I'm not handsome, I'm poor, I'm boring, I'm dull, or whatever.
I am a pathetic person.

Fuck everything rest of your life !
Useless fucker.

I mean; go fuck myself.

I don't know what else to say.
I still don't have the guts to say i still love you after all these years.
I'm sorry for letting you down for that promise.
I'll swear i won't do it again.

But i think it's too late already.

=/

Hope you'll find a better guy =)